Ex "Rageaholic" Models Simple Anger and Stress Management in Seconds

Simple as 1,2,3:  Really!

 Ridding yourself of anger, stress and anxiety may be as simple as 1, 2, 3.  Here is a quick tip from an ex "Rageaholic"  that may help you relax and de-stress in seconds. It is my most effective and efficient calming technique that I use.. Before you communicate with anyone or if there is stress or anxiety in your life, try this easy method.  There are other methods that also work yet are more complicated and take longer to work.  Sometimes I need fast and easy.

Anytime, Anywhere is OK

Try this method before a meeting,  entering the front door after work anytime before you may have a challenging situation. It will help take the edge off of the stress. The longer you use this method the better you will feel.  It will help keep you out of trouble 

 Effortless Anxiety Soother  Exercise

1. Find a location where you be alone and uninterrupted.

Sit or lie down and close your eyes. You may keep your eyes open and it still works. Try this at a red light, with your eyes open ( or you will make others just as angry if you don't go on green )

2.   Take a few deep breaths, yet inhale the same time as you exhale. 

Example: Inhale One ... 2... 3.... Exhale 1.... 2... 3...... do this count for 30 seconds and build up to a longer count. If it seems uncomfortable, stay at 3.

 Important:Eventually as you practice, it will be easier. Sometimes I get up to 17. That is when I turn into a wet noodle, as I am so relaxed. Keep counting, as it will help you to focus on the breathing and no other thoughts. If other thoughts start to invade, just imagine writing them on a post it note, stick it somewhere that you do your office work and you will get back to it later. Then go back to counting.

 That is it; try it now if you need to relax.

Rick Goodfriend was a "Rageaholic". Personal and business communication skills are never an easy subject, yet Rick Goodfriend wants communication with others to be easier, more satisfying. Rick Goodfriend is founder of World Empathy Day where you can find many more tips on relationship communications and how to solve difficult challenges. A CD written by Rick Goodfriend on creating instant calm is at http://walkyourtalk.org/indexCD1.htm

Additional Business and personal communication Skills are at http://walkyourtalk.org/ where you may sign up for weekly communication tips, teleclasses and workshops. Successful communication with anybody is possible with the proactive skills taught. Rick Goodfriend is also a co-creator and host of a television show on proactive communication and resides in Santa Barbara, California continuing to surf, hike and practice personal communication skills.

Rick Goodfriend is also a certified corporate speaker and can provide keynotes, trainings and consultation for your business or organization.

How To Know If You Have An Anger problem

Having an "anger problem" may mean that you express anger in harmful, destructive ways, not that you experience anger. That seems to be part of the human condition, and we need to be able to appropriately express anger. If your anger is hurtful to you or others, you may indeed have an "anger problem." Take a look at this list and see if it applies to you.

1. People often say you are angry; especially the people who know you well.

2. When you get angry, it's always someone else's fault. (The kids are being too noisy, your spouse is late again, the boss didn't appreciate the work you did, etc.)

3. People tell you to lighten up, relax, take it easy, have a drink or try a Valium.

4. You drink alcoholically, take drugs, or engage in addictive or dangerous behaviors.

5. You become angry while driving, this includes pointing at another driver with the second finger or cutting off another car.

6. You hit your children, your spouse or animals. Hitting can be accomplished with many different weapons, not just the hands. Whether you use your hands, words or a belt, get immediate professional help.

7. You have a rigid body structure; your neck and shoulders are tight and sore.

8. You have ulcers, insomnia, high blood pressure or frequent tension headaches.

9. You always have to win arguments or get in the last word.

10. You find yourself sleeping in a different bed than your spouse.

11. Animals and children hide from you or cross the street to avoid you.

12. Co-workers, spouses or children keep secrets from you because they are afraid of your reactions.

13. You act out anger without stopping to think how your words or actions will affect other people.

14. You have multiple divorces.

15. When someone makes you angry, you emotionally withdraw or give them the "silent treatment."

16. When someone hurts you, you become obsessed with hurting him or her back. You may even take pride in your ability to "get even."

17. Forgiveness is almost impossible.

18. You never say you are sorry, except in a sarcastic voice.

19. Your children don't return your phone calls.

20. Your family or roommate encourages you to go to work, the gym or anywhere else just to get you out of the house.

21. Reading this list makes you angry.

Misleading Information About Anger

Many psychologists and counselors are confused about this most misunderstood emotion. One of the main reasons for this gross misunderstanding is because these professionals are confusing anger with rage. Once we stop using these very different-meaning words interchangeably, then anger will no longer be the crazy uncle in the family of feeling and thus no longer need be avoided.

Expressing Anger Creates More Anger

Some well-intentioned psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and spiritual leaders claim letting out our anger creates and perpetuates more anger. This is true only if the person is a continuous rageaholic, and most people aren't. Many professionals are afraid of anger, both their own and other people's, so they have a vested interest in their clients suppressing their anger. If a grieving man cries gallons of tears, it doesn't make him cry even more. He weeps until the water in his grief well is dry. A woman doesn't avoid laughing at a joke because she is afraid she'll never stop laughing! When allowed to run its natural course, every emotion has an end.

Expressing Anger Is Dangerous

Some people who are anger-phobic claim getting angry increases the blood pressure and strains the heart. In twenty years of facilitating the appropriate release of anger I've never seen anyone die from high blood pressure or stroke at an anger workshop. However, I bet you have known someone who died full of anger, and you were sure their high blood pressure and heart disease were caused by all those years of pent-up emotions. I'm not a physician, but I can tell you that for the years I have practiced the methods discussed in The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire I've seen thousands of people express and release their anger, then celebrate as their blood pressure went down. They slept better, medicated less often, ground their teeth less, had fewer nightmares and felt and expressed love more readily. They were finally allowed to express their feelings. Indeed, anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and serenity.

Anger Is A Chameleon

Most genuinely compassionate psychologists believe anger is a secondary emotion and, therefore, not even real. What we are really feeling, they tell us, is not anger at all, but perhaps fear or sadness. Remember, therapists are people too, people who learned that anger equals pain, just like you and I did. They may encourage you to "understand" your anger or "go for the feeling that anger is covering up." At best they tell you "to say more about this." And rarely will tell you to face it, feel it, express it and release it.

At Hanley Center's Center for Men's Recovery, http://www.hanleycenter.org for example, the terrain of anger is explored in a safe environment, where men learn to explore issues and express related anger.

Caution: Danger Zone

Bill was a client who had been married and divorced four times. When his wives were angry he used to say to them, "Now just calm down. We can discuss this like two intelligent people. If you don't calm down right now, I'm out of here." What was wrong with Bill trying to calm them down so they could discuss the matter? The ex-wives just wanted to feel their feelings and express them-it's called communicating. Bill interpreted their normal expressions of anger as a threat, because he associated anger with being hurt.

Don't Feel!

Most alcoholics and addicts learned at an early age not to show their feelings. Many men and women are embarrassed by their emotions and avoid displaying them in public at all costs. Many of the men I've worked with have said things like," I haven't cried publicly since I was seven years old." Many men have bought the lie, "Big boys don't cry."

Nice Girls Don't Get Angry

Many women are afraid to display anger because they were told: "It's not nice;" "It's not pretty;" "It's not polite" and "Good girls don't get angry." They have been called "ball-busters" and "bitches." Women have just as much right to their anger as anyone. I repeat, women have lots of reasons to be angry. Women didn't even get the right to vote until 1920, and they still get paid two-thirds of what men do for the same jobs.

Reality and Acceptance

Alcoholism and addiction, among other things, is rage acted out by people who have been angry for a long time and been encouraged not to feel it, threatened not to feel it and, thus, afraid to feel it. Most alcoholics and addicts have a lot of anger about how different they are, things are, situations are, and people are as opposed to the way they want themselves, others and situations to be. There is a huge space between what we want to be and what is, and that space is filled with alcohol and drugs, people and processes. That space between the way it is and the way I would like for it to be could be filled with anger, grief, acceptance and then love. However, most of us were not taught how to express our anger, or how to "accept" people, places and things as they are. So we may drink and drug in lieu of this acceptance.

Excerpted in part from John Lee's most recent book The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problem for Alcoholics, Addicts & Those Who Love Them (Health Communications Inc. 2006.) This book and others by John Lee are available at Hanley Center Bookstore or go to John Lee's web site at http://www.jlcsonline.com

John Lee is an acclaimed author and therapist who works with Hanley Center, a premiere treatment center for alcohol, chemical an other addictions in West Palm Beach, Florida, http://www.hanleycenter.org John Lee first became famous for raising men's emotional issues in the late '70s, and his book, "Flying Boy" became a national best seller. His latest book is "The Missing Piece: Solving the Anger problem for Alcoholics, Addicts and Those Who Love Them."

Feel Better About Yourself, Feel Better About Your Relationship

When we think of relationships, we normally think of how our partner is treating us, whether we are happy and feel heard. We tend to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and then consider how we feel about our partner.

But what if your happiness in your relationship has as much to do with how you feel about yourself as it does with how your partner is treating you?

Have you noticed that leaving one relationship and beginning a new one doesn't necessarily solve everything? At first you think this person is different and now you will be happy forevermore. The honeymoon feelings can last anywhere from three months to three years, but eventually problems crop up again.

The kicker is that you take yourself with you wherever you go. This includes your own baggage and self-esteem issues, and you can be sure that how you are feeling about yourself will affect how you see your partner.

Here are three ways you could be sabotaging your relationship as a result of self-esteem issues:

1. Your self-esteem is an indication of what you feel you deserve in a loving relationship. We all know that intellectually we believe we deserve to be loved and cherished. However, the unconscious mind is powerful, and if unconsciously we have feelings of inadequacy, insecurity or failure, we can sabotage a loving relationship without even realizing it - until it is too late.

For example, if on some subconscious level we feel that we don't really deserve happiness, we could think that our partner is too good for us and fear one day he or she will figure this out and leave. Some people handle this insecurity by provoking fights with their partner, challenging and threatening them until they do leave. Then they say to themselves, "You see? I knew he would leave me."

2. Another way your self-

esteem can influence your relationship is if you have difficulty asserting yourself. Some people are afraid of confrontation, and see all discussions as replays of traumatic conflicts they experienced in their childhood, so they avoid and minimize conflict, never resolving the issues. Over time, these unresolved issues fester and become resentments, which lead to feelings of detachment and a lack of intimacy in the relationship.

3. For some people, low self-esteem affects their tolerance level. They cannot deal well with frustration or stress and often explode, blaming their partner for some minor infraction, when in reality they feel powerless and out of control.

The partners of these "rageaholics" report that they feel like they are walking on eggshells; instead of having loving feelings toward their partner, they feel fearful and anxious about openly discussing concerns. So they hide their feelings, lie to avoid confrontation and incur more anger when the lies are discovered. This "dance of anger" can be extremely toxic to relationships.

If you had a great day at work, got a promotion or positive feedback from your boss, and then come home and your partner is late, or didn't pay a bill, how do you think you would react vs. a situation in which your boss berated you, or you got a speeding ticket, and your partner did the same thing? The situation at home is the same, but your self-esteem is in a very different place. Therefore, it's not your partner creating the angry reaction - it is your feeling about yourself in the present moment.

As you learn how to raise your self-esteem, how to communicate calmly and reasonably, that alone will create a ripple effect that will positively influence how you feel about your partner and the loving quality of your relationship.

This is not about blaming yourself for everything that is wrong in your relationship - and it is not to say that your partner necessarily needs to work on his or her own self-esteem and communication skills. But it is important to acknowledge that how you feel about yourself in the moment affects your perception of what is happening, along with the way in which you choose to deal with it.

It's true that both of you need to take responsibility for what you contribute to - and contaminate in - your relationship, but just changing your feelings about your self-worth can help improve all your relationships and how you deal with life's challenges.

Rhonda Rabow, M.A.

Author's Bio Rhonda Rabow is an author and a psychotherapist living in Montreal, Quebec Canada. She has over 25 years experience counseling individuals, couples and families facing a variety of life challenges; from parenting, grief, depression, and self-esteem issues, to conflict resolution and marriage counseling. Her approach is empowerment and she accomplishes this by helping her clients find solutions to their problems and teaching them the skills and tools they need to feel back in control of their lives. She has also recently published an e-book called, "Discover the 3 secrets to living happily ever after".

http://www.helphelpmerhonda.ca
http://www.rhondarabow.com

Getting Anger Management Training Online

Well, you have finally crossed that line between fuming a little and becoming a full blown, raging maniac, while interacting with another person. You did not manage anger effectively and it in turn got the best of you. You are now in front of a judge who is ordering you to take an anger management training class.

Boy, do you not feel glowing with pride? Hopefully, this scenario has not happened to you and you are taking hold of your problem early. No need to wait until you no longer have a choice about attending such courses. You can get a head start on your problems before they ruin your life and those lives around you.

You have three options when it comes to anger management programs. You can either attend anger management classes or you can find out about anger management from the comfort of your own home.

Granted, you will probably see better results from the class in which you attend in person but it is a personal choice based on what feels best to you. It is completely your own decision, and one that you should contemplate seriously.

"Anger Management Seminar" site may be the solution you need to help with anger management training classes for your anger problem. Managing your anger is a very important task. Managing anger can be difficult but with the right support network in place it is not impossible to help you lead a peaceful life. The website offers a plethora of resources ranging from books to actual online programs designed to help you and your support network.

The website uses the term "rageaholics" and it actually is very applicable. Rage can be addicting and often the person who is affected by their rage believes that their anger is completely justified. They believe it is everyone else's fault that they are in this state.

This can be blinding and cause them to lash out violently at their spouses, family, children, coworkers and family. Taking your anger out on innocent people is horrible and you must get help managing anger because it will quickly destroy relationships.

Do not let your anger management training come as the result of a judge's court order. In those cases you may not be ready to realize you have a problem and will be resentful.

It will take longer for the anger management courses and classes to begin to show a difference in how you deal with situations. You have to learn how to control your anger because you want to manage your feelings more effectively, not because someone else says you have a problem.

Visit us for free tips and training to help you make quick easy money and have the financial freedom you deserve.

Anger Management Activities - 3 Tips For Control

If you or someone you know might have anger management issues, it is possible for you to get control of your anger using anger management activities. This is a cost effective way to take control of your anger and get yourself back in control of your emotions. This is a great alternative to therapy, medication, and expensive doctor visits. Here are four activities that you can use to get back on track.

1. Talk with someone or join a group

A lot of time anger can built up, especially if you're someone who is prone to bottle up your anger. This can be very destructive later, because the more anger you hold in the more aggression you're going to use when you finally unleash it. Anger management activities such as group discussion can really help you get your anger off your chest. There are free groups you can attend such at Rageaholics Anonymous where you sit in a group of people that all have anger issues. If you're comfortable enough with someone, you can always vent to them. They should be someone who can handle your venting and be able to give practical advice.

2. Be assertive but not aggressive

When you are aggressive with someone and show anger, it is likely that they will show anger in return, which is never a good thing. Anger management activities include taking a time out to think about your response when you're provoked with something that could cause you to become angry. Learn to relax, take a deep breathe, and take a real analysis of the situation. A lot of times when we react with anger we are just naturally responding, when in fact the situation didn't require us to be angry at all.

3. Take time out for yourself

It is very important that you get enough quality time by yourself, so that you have a chance to regroup and de-stress. Your overall goal is to get a point of relaxation. Anger management activities could include doing yoga, stretches, or listening to relaxing music. When you are feeling good and relaxed you are less likely to be angry or let something get to you. With daily relaxation you are less likely to be edgy or moody and you can enjoy some of the things that used to cause you to be angry.

Doing these anger management activities on a daily basis will form them into one of your habits. Once this has become a habit you won't necessarily have to spend as much time thinking about these activities, you will just naturally do them. Good luck!

Not only does Jeremy enjoy anger free living, but he also likes making his front door look impressive. Visit his latest website over at Front Door Hardware and learn more about jazzing up your front door with brass door hinges.

What You Can Do As A Non-Raging Mate To Either Fix The Relationship Or Forget It

(The following is an actual email conversation between Newton Hightower, Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., and "Betty" the girlfriend of a rageaholic.)

Betty: I am a 35-year-old single woman who has been dating a man for three years who verbally and emotionally abuses me. I am called ALL kinds of names..."you're a F-ing B, you're stupid, F-ing crazy psycho, F-ing whore, F- you..." things of that nature. He is in counseling and has been for about three months. My question is can he truly change?

Newton: The answer is yes, absolutely! BUT, the prognosis doesn't look good.

Let me disqualify myself here. First of all, I do not work with women in your position because it is like me trying to work with someone from a different planet...I just don't get it at all. I used to be how your boyfriend is.

I would refer you to a female therapist who could teach you to put the PRESSURE ON YOUR MAN.

Then I would work with your boyfriend when he comes crying and begging, 'Please, help me! I am about to lose the love of my life. She won't talk to me. How can I get her back? She says I have to see you 3 times before she will talk to me.'

Putting the PRESSURE ON is pre-therapy.

When you do the pre-therapy, then I will do the therapy on him.

*DO YOU RECOMMEND LEAVING HIM?*

Generally, I would recommend you stay and learn how to stand up to him.

Staying with a jerk like that for three years means you probably cannot get out even if you wanted to.

Recommending that women leave usually doesn't work. I have seen couples where the man has shot several times at the wife and missed, and vice versa. In neither case did they leave each other; they just left the therapy when I hit the ceiling.

*PRE-THERAPY INTERVENTION: 911*

Last week I suggested to a couple the pre-therapy change number (911). The girlfriend arrived a little early and reported things had gotten violent again. I suggested that she report the incident and call the police every time it happens.

She said, "I won't tell him what you said." I replied, "Don't worry. I will tell him when he gets here."

My colleagues often question the wisdom of this intervention of advising wives or girlfriends to have their men arrested, when they are together in my office.

Most men are trying to save the marriage or relationship when they come to see me. I tell their girlfriends, "Most of us men would rather go to jail than get divorced again...at least I would."

I also do not challenge the men, but compliment them: "I know you are 30 years younger than me and could kill me with a single blow, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way."

"I can see that you are really committed to this relationship that you come here every week and pay a lot of money for me to recommend that she have you arrested."

*FROM BETTY TO HER BOYFRIEND: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY GIFT!*

Okay Betty, you said it took him two weeks to give a half- hearted apology. Send him a St. Patrick's Day Card that tells him it is his lucky day. You are going to give him a chance to make up for being a total jerk for three years.

1. First you will need a spoken apology that will bring tears to your eyes. You know, heart-felt with specific examples.

2. Then you can use a line my wife used to use: "That's nice. Now what are you going to do to make it up to me? No, I don't mean promises, but diamonds, vacations, things like that."

AFTER YOU HAVE GOTTEN ONE AND TWO WRITE ME...BUT DON'T SEE HIM UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE DIAMONDS IN YOUR HAND OR ON YOUR FINGER.

3. Then you need to find out what he is going to do if he does this again.

4. Betty, if you need a telephone coach, there are lots of therapists out there who receive my newsletter, and will read this conversation. Maybe one of them could spare you two or three thirty-minute telephone calls. If you paid for the phone calls, they might donate their time.

Anorexia & Bulimia Are Really Serious!

Anorexia and Bulimia are serious compulsive eating disorders that are life threatening. These compulsive behaviors if not properly attended can result in death. This is not to scare you but to inform you that eating disorders are quite serious. I would like to shed some light on a serious subject that many do not like to discuss. In order to reach spiritual wholeness we must be willing to look at all human behavior. Everyone has areas in which they need to grow. Some have a harder time harnessing harmful behaviors. Behavior displayed does not actually display a true indication of how someone really is. Personality is often a veneer that has developed in order to protect the real person. Personalities vastly differ on a multiplicity of levels. Behavior can actually be a plea for help. Compulsive behaviors need immediate attention.

Anorexia and Bulimia is not something that is usually openly discussed. Anorexia nervosa is a self induced starvation that results in a dramatic weight loss. Bulimia is when one binges on large amounts of food that is followed with self induced vomiting or laxative abuse. This can or may not result in weight loss. Both are extremely dangerous and harmful both mentally and physically. Food for many can bring to mind memories of pain, abuse, anger, failure, rejection and or conflict. Although women primarily develop eating disorders, there are approximately 10% of men who are also anorexic or bulimic. Eating disorders usually have their onset during adolescent or teens. They can also develop later on in life.

Anorexia and bulimia origins are nested most frequently in dysfunctional families of varying social economical status. There are currently programs designed for children as well. This should inform you of the seriousness of eating disorders Denial is often an accompanying dynamic. Anorexics usually deny their feelings. They have been taught to suppress their feelings.

Let's look at some of the symptoms. One of the first symptoms of Anorexia is when a person is focused on how they are too fat; when it is quite obvious that is not the case. They continually shift their desirable weight down. It is not unusual for an anorexic's hands, feet, and head appear far too big. They continually restrict food to lose dramatic amounts of weight. They often wear bulky clothes or sweaters to mask their actual body size. It is also accompanied by the over use of laxatives; and or diet pills. Low self esteem and being over perfectionistic. Maintaining rigid control and excessive exercise. Depression, deceitfulness, guilt and irritability are often present as well. Anorexics are proud of their ability to restrict and control the amount of food they do or do not consume. Voluntary starvation can lead t emaciation and sometimes death.

Let's look at some of the symptoms for bulimia. The person is caught up in a binge-purge pattern of eating. They can consume vast amounts of food and relieve themselves by self induced vomiting, They often observe food rituals. Low self esteem and being overly perfectionistic are apparent. The person looses control once they start eating. Food actually becomes a calming agent and somewhat of a companion. One common bond in anorexia and bulimia is the person really wants relationship and the approval of others. It is highly likely that there has also been sexual abuse. It is important that you lovingly confront someone with an eating disorder. It is important that you are honest about the way they look. You must be willing to take the risk at them being upset. You should also be willing to take part in their healing. It is important that they receive the professional help they need. You too will need support during their recovery process. It is most helpful to learn more about eating disorders.

There are cases when a person is a combination of the two. This is known as bulimarexic. They vacillate between the two disorders. It can be confusing because the individual does not acknowledge there is a problem. Denial is present since they do not actually fall into either category. Weight gain or loss, digestive problems, heart problems. anemia, forgetfulness, erosion of tooth enamel, glandular functioning, hypoglycemia, and impulse control order are some of the many side effects.

How does one heal? In severe cases an inpatient treatment program is best. A person's weight must be closely monitored. In some cases initially treating them for depression is necessary. One thing that is necessary for healing is that they come to terms with the "Truth" of how they are feeling. One must make a conscious effort to look at their life, their family system and how they have been affected. In order to become whole they must learn to look at themselves, and others differently. Eating disorders are a family affair. Restructuring of the family interactions and dynamics are crucial. Obsessive compulsive issues to food and unrelated to food need to be addressed. Anorexia can affect major organ system functioning. The family system must be changed. Creating a healthy environment of honesty, love and support will facilitate healing. Healing takes time. But putting forth the effort is worth the time. Dysfunctional dynamics have often become the norm for many. The unhealthy use of defense mechanisms, the lack of the ability to be who they are, the need to please others and the rageaholic and /or controlling family issues must be dealt with.

God wants us to be whole. Being whole does not mean being free of conflict or problems. Life will continually present challenges. Challenges brings about spiritual growth and development. God also wants us to be perfect. Godly perfection does not mean being free of flaws. Godly perfection companions are an inward peace of mind and accepting the fact that God has uniquely created you. It means learning how to embrace who you are. Who God intended you to be. It means learning how to be content in the light of His Word. Then cautiously moving forward in life discovering who you are? To be perfect in Biblical terms simply means to be complete in Him. No it does not mean you have all the answers. But it does mean having a healthy relationship with God who does.

If you or someone you know has an eating disorder. Pray for or with them. I truly believe that as long or short as the Lord has us here it is to learn. When we learn all there is to learn, if you are His child He calls you home. Learning to relate to food, people, things, problems and situations is a lifetime learning experience. But you can start today if you have not already; living life differently. You can live life preparing for eternity. This will also relieve you of much unwarranted anxiety. God knows ever single solitary thing that has happened in your life and everyone else lives. God really does know your heart. God can and will teach you how to guard your heart properly. God wants you to have that abundant life His Son died for. He wants you to enjoy and learn how to properly nourish your body both spiritually and physically. He wants you to live a balanced life. He wants you to be emotionally whole.

Yes you will continue to have sorrow, grief and disappointments. Yes, the world is getting worse. Yes, life is and will be difficult at times. Drugs, alcohol, sex, money, food and yes even hard work can be all used in an attempt to fill emptiness in your life. There must be a balance. We must learn to properly relate to life in a manner that pleases God. In the midst of this world you /we are given the opportunity to have a Comforter! You see Jesus purpose was that we have life and have it more abundantly. This does not just mean materialistically. It means in every way. It is the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy....... You do not have to focus on the enemy when you know that your life is truly in the hands of the Lord. Yes, it is important that you know how he operates. You do not have to focus on what others think when you know that God's knows the depth of your heart, He knows why you do or do not do whatever! God can free you. He only can give you the peace that surpasses the understanding of man. Start anew today! God wants to fill the void in your life that only He can fill. Most important He loves us enough that He allows us the opportunity to choose. Allow His Holy Spirit, His Comforter to comfort and abide with you 24/7. I truly believe that there is absolutely positively nothing that is too big for God to handle. Begin today and everyday by allowing the Lord His place in your life, heart and home. He can help you and teach you how to properly physically, emotionally and spiritually nourish your body, mind and soul. God is your Maker and Creator. God has promised to work "all things" not some things which means even the bad things. God has said "all things work together for good. For those who love Him. For those who are called according to His purpose" When you are walking in the Spirit there is no condemnation. You can always trust, lean, depend, stand and count on God.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DeBorrah K. Ogans is a licensed Pastoral Counselor and ordained minister. She is certified through the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling in Creation Therapy and holds a Master's Degree in Biblical Clinical Counseling. She is the author of a pre-marital guide "How Do I Love Thee: Things You Need To Know Before You Say I Do," and just released her second book "Holy Matrimony: Now That You're Married". She writes an ongoing Counselor's Corner for Alpha 7 Ministries to help individuals, couples, and families establish an intimate relationship with God, which in turn helps them establish better relationships with one another.

Transform Your Upset and Calm Down

I grew up in a family with a rageaholic father. From him I learned that it is normal to rant and rave and get upset when something bothers you.

I became quite good at it myself, loudly expressing my displeasure at the slightest annoyance and ignoring the costs of this behavior to myself and others. I couldn't understand why I had so much trouble keeping friends.

I didn't spare myself, either. When upset with something I'd done, I'd beat myself up, only slightly less kindly than I did others.

I had the good fortune to marry a calmer man from whom I have learned to calm down. I can tell you from personal experience how much happier life is when you learn to stay calm and take things in stride.

The Costs of Getting Upset

Getting upset impacts you physically. Your muscles tense, your blood pressure rises, your stomach knots up. Becoming emotionally distraught is simply less comfortable than staying calm and peaceful.

When you are upset you are affected mentally, as well. You become ineffective when you lose your temper and less able to deal rationally and appropriately with the situation at hand.

Your angry rage impacts negatively on your relationships. Your upset creates fear, anger and embarrassment in the people you care about. Friends and family may not say anything for fear of setting you off, but they are likely to resent your behavior. They may avoid you or try to get even in subtle ways.

I remember how embarrassed I used to feel after venting my rage. Once the anger subsided, I often found it difficult to comprehend how I'd gotten so bent out of shape. I felt sheepish about how I acted and foolish about needing to apologize.

Many people inflict their rage, not on others, but on themselves. It's important to recognize your mistakes and learn from them. Overreacting to your errors, though, will only undermine your self-confidence and make you miserable.

Anger itself isn't the problem. Anger is a useful emotion signaling that something is wrong. It's the overreaction when you're angry or annoyed that creates problems in your life.

You Can Learn How To Calm Down

Awareness of the problems created by becoming upset at the annoyances of life is the first step toward change. Once you commit to making this change, it is entirely within your power to transform your reactions - both how you act and how you feel - and stay calm. As you become more accepting of yourself, other people and the inevitable disappointments of life in general, you will become less upset and more able to appropriately handle any annoyances that arise. What a relief!

How to Transform Upset and Learn to Calm Down

Here are the steps you can use to transform upset and stay calm:

1. Notice when you start getting upset.

Just having a part of yourself that is observing your enraged response, rather than fully participating in it creates a detachment that will help you stay calm.

2. Ask yourself, "Is what just happened worth getting upset about?"

If you are like most people accustomed to becoming upset when annoyed, your immediate response will be a resounding and heart-felt "Yes!!" If you take a closer look and are truly honest with yourself, chances are you'll be able to acknowledge that it's not that big a deal. What's more, though you might wish the situation were different, you can come to recognize that getting upset isn't going to improve anything. It will only make matters worse.

3. Notice how you feel when you let upset overtake you.

Pay careful attention to the impact of your upset on your body and your mind. Notice any tension in your muscles or clenching in your gut. Be aware of the unpleasant feelings and thoughts aroused by your outrage. If your criticism is directed at yourself, notice how undermining those attacks on yourself truly are.

4. Ask yourself, "How would I be, if I weren't reacting this way?" and imagine yourself calm

If you are honest with yourself, you will note that you would be calmer and more peaceful, more comfortable and better able to deal with the situation if you let yourself calm down. From this perspective, you can see that your own upset is as much of a problem as whatever provoked your response.

Allow yourself to imagine how it would feel to stay calm. Invite the thoughts that would support a calm response, such as "This really isn't all that important" or "Maybe s/he didn't do that to hurt me."Visualize yourself responding appropriately when disappointed, frustrated, or angry.

5. Practice the calm you have visualized

As you begin to visualize alternatives to overreacting, you become aware of the choices available to you. When you feel your upset beginning to arise, take a deep breath and consider your options. Ask yourself, "Would I rather stay calm or get upset in this situation?"

Gradually, as you practice new patterns of thought and behavior, you will learn how to calm down, replacing the old habit of upset with the habit of natural calm.

The Power of Calm

Calm is enormously empowering. When you stay calm you can rationally assess how to best handle the challenges you face. You accept the circumstances you have no control over and effectively impact those situations you can change. You learn from your mistakes and move on.

Above all, you can feel pride and satisfaction at having successfully transformed the old habit of upset into the practice of remaining calm.

Drawing on skills and expertise developed over 30 years experience, Philadelphia Life Coach Jeannette Samanen PhD provides effective life coaching, empowering you to achieve your goals. She can help you learn how to calm down. Subscribe to her "Make Your Good Life Better" newsletter and you will receive her free article "5 Easy Steps to Access Your Inner Wisdom". Go to http://www.achieveyourgoals.com and check out her blog at blog.achieveyourgoals.com.

Increase Productivity in Your Business With Regularly Scheduled "Down Time"

The human mind can only keep track of so much "stuff" before it starts losing its grip. That's the not-so-shocking premise behind Getting Things Done and other similar time-management and personal efficiency books.

How do you work with this understanding in your own life? You can try implementing one of the many wonderful programs and methods out there (of which GTD is probably the best known but certainly not the only choice). You can go "old school" and rely on old-fashioned paper and pen. These are all good first steps, but one of the most powerful changes you can adopt to improve your own personal productivity doesn't require doing anything at all. In fact, it's only when you're not doing anything at all that you're doing it "right"!

Curious? It's true. Taking regular time off away from work, devoted solely to self, is absolutely essential for your continued optimal performance -- and your mental health, too. Whether you call it down-time, me-time, meditation, play, or vegging out, it's crucial for both your productivity level and your peace of mind

Are You Taking a Break or Goofing Off? Why It's All in the Perspective

It's a sad, simple fact of human nature: the more stuff we accumulate on our tasks lists, the more frazzled and unproductive we tend to become. It's like an extension of the chaos principle: whatever we do, the universe around us tends to devolve into chaos unless outside forces put it in check and actively work to reverse the tendency. That's true of the cosmos, and it's true of our minds, too.

Yet what do we make of that old saw that if you want something done, give it to a busy person? That's true as well but there's a point where our returns diminish significantly. The most productive folks among us are the ones who can switch gears quickly. Put another way, those blessed few who seem to thrive on insanely busy schedules but never miss a deadline don't necessarily have a trick up their sleeves -- they just know how to switch from this task to that one seamlessly.

We tend to bring our own negative self-views into the world and project them on others. So if we're feeling particularly powerless, berating ourselves for our lack of movement on a particular issue or goal, we may well look at someone taking a break and see a lazy person. But if we're feeling focused and on top of our game, we might see that same person as engaging in creative rest and admire their ability to decompress.

Here's the funny part, though: By shifting into neutral -- regularly and consistently dedicating a certain period of time for unplugging from the computer, the task list and all obligations, and focusing solely on the self -- we actually improve our ability to switch gears and tasks quickly and efficiently.

It's a matter of perspective, in other words. You can look at your bulging tasks list as a burden or an opportunity. You can choose to embrace your down-time habit as a must for personal health and effectiveness, or you can choose to feel guilty about it, thereby making it just one more thing to kick yourself over.

Regular down-time -- even if it's just a habit of ten or fifteen minutes a day -- will result in a fresher perspective, greater sense of optimism, a balanced and calm mind, and a renewed "can-do" attitude. It also has physical benefits, including lowered blood pressure, reduction of physical stress, and decreased muscular tension. It creates an atmosphere of mindfulness, which in turn allows us to return to our activities with a fresher, keener, more focused sensibility. And that enhances productivity in quite profound ways.

Why It's So Hard for Solo Entrepreneurs to Embrace Down-Time As a Habit

As a marketing consultant and coach, I've observed that many of my solo entrepreneur clients resist this notion of the down-time habit. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that in every sense of the phrase, the business buck stops with us, always. There is no boss or CEO we can look to when things are boiling over. It's all up to us. It's all-too-easy to force ourselves into a constant state of busy-ness, and just as easy to overlook the fact that "busy" does not equal "productive."

For the longest time, I struggled with this concept. Whenever I was faced with an empty few minutes, I'd try to "do" the down-time thing. I'd settle into a comfortably relaxed cross-legged position and meditate. But then my meditating became yet another thing I had to do "right" -- every single day, for thirty minutes, with correct posture, proper breathing, no exceptions.

Then I tried to just "veg out." Surely this was manageable, I thought. Others do this routinely. They sit and watch television. They sit and read. They just sit. But when I tried it, my brain took over like a rageaholic dictator with impotence issues:

"What the hell do you think you're doing, just sitting there? Don't you know there's WORK to be done? Do you honestly think you can AFFORD to just sit there and do NOTHING? When you've got an ebook to write? And clients that need coaching? And projects that need developing? And housework to do? And a child to raise? What about your whole weight loss plan? And your other blog? Or that book you wanted to write about chronic pain? Or the novel you're working on? You think those things are gonna get done with you just sitting there on your brains? LOSER! Get up and WORK!"

I couldn't even allow myself ten measly minutes to unplug and wind down without kicking myself into a whimpering, cowering mess. The guilt was too much.

How to Stop Guilt from Interfering With Your Daily Down-Time

That guilt -- the inner monologue you keep running on endless playback, the one that keeps you from sitting still because you haven't "earned" a break -- is a faulty emotion. I won't say it's useless -- no emotion is useless, if you know where to look. But simply feeling guilty doesn't change anything. It isn't helpful.

We don't need to suss all our emotional crap out at the moment we feel the guilt, though. We could say to ourselves, "OK, self, those are interesting points and I'll look at that later. Right now, though, I'm gonna meditate/nap/read/go for a walk." Instead of worrying the thought over and over in our heads like a little pebble in our hands, why not simply... let it go? For now?

The point is, you can choose. The point is, you can decide to chill out in the moment, and all your stuff -- the worries, the anxieties, the guilt, and that monster-long task list -- will still be there for you to pick up again when you're done.

How to Create the Down-Time Habit (Relatively) Painlessly

If you're ready to embrace the down-time habit, but you're still feeling a bit anxious about "stealing" that time from the other obligations on your lists, consider implementing the following suggestions:

If your children are an issue here, or your significant other, consider sitting down with them and explaining in an age-appropriate way that your new habit will make you a better parent, spouse, worker, whatever.
Set some ground rules with others in your life: this is your time, it's sacrosanct, you're not to be disturbed unless the house is burning, the phones must be quieted, no loud noises, etc. Go over the rules so that everyone's on-board.
Start with small increments at first, if you think guilt will be an issue for you, and then work up to larger chunks of time. Sometimes a ten-minute breather is all we need or can allow ourselves at first. Don't feel guilty that you're not giving yourself a half-hour; instead, be grateful for those ten minutes, and then start to explore extending it a bit at a time.
Schedule your down time just like you would any appointment. Pencilling it in, or creating a digital alarm on your calendar program, somehow makes it more "real" to us and increases the chance we'll take it seriously.
Use your down-time for meditation, prayer, sitting still, daydreaming, journaling -- whatever gives you a sense of renewal and self-reflection. Don't use it for reading or tackling anything on your "self-improvement to-dos" list. This isn't about improving yourself. It's about taking time to recognize that you're already fine, just the way you are. If you need a nap, desperately, then take one, but generally I find it's better to stay conscious and meditative.
If you'd like to explore meditation, a very simple way to start is by simply sitting and observing your breath. When thoughts come -- and they will -- don't get angry or frustrated. Instead, just gently bring your attention back to your breath. Tell yourself those thoughts will still be there when you're done, and always return your focus to the inhale/exhale.
If life intrudes and you "mess up" -- for instance, you can't meditate one day (or five) or can't quite fit in your full allotted down-time -- don't use it as one more thing to make yourself feel guilty over. Simply accept that you're doing the best you can, be gentle with yourself, and resolve to do better tomorrow.

Down-Time Takeaways

To recap:

The down time habit is essential for mental health and productivity, and also benefits you physically by reducing stress symptoms.
You can spend your down time in any way that promotes rest, creativity, and focus on self, rather than self-improvement.
Start with short increments of ten or fifteen minutes; build up as you can from there.
Let your family and others know about your need for down time. Explain how important this is to you and how it will benefit your relationships with them.
Try meditation for a powerful mind-body boost. Start by simply observing your breathing.

By Sheryl Sisk Schelin

Author/Coach -- The Inspired Solo ( http://theinspiredsolo.com )

Looking to ramp up your solo business in 2010? Own a blog that's underperforming? Stymied by social media marketing?

Get the help you need from a marketing coach who only works with solo entrepreneurs to promote their businesses online in totally organic, honest, and authentic ways -- even when on a shoestring budget!

Learn how Sheryl can help you grow and market your own solo professional services firm with inspiration and passion at The Inspired Solo ( http://theinspiredsolo.com/rent-sheryls-brain ).

Signs That Rage Has Turned Into An Addiction

All addictions have symptoms, which allow us to recognize these problems as addictive diseases. The signs of addictive diseases are self-stimulation, compulsion, obsession, denial, withdrawal and craving syndrome, and unpredictable behavior. Like alcoholism or drug use, anger meets many of the criteria.

Self-Stimulation

For those who are rageaholics, expressing anger is self- stimulating. It triggers the compulsion for more anger. For example, let's pretend that we are going to provide treatment for alcoholics. On the way to the treatment center we stop and buy a case of beer. When we get to the meeting, we tell the alcoholics in therapy that they just need to do a lot of drinking to get it out of their system once and for all. This is similar to when therapist tell men with rage problems, "You just need to express yourself and get it out of your system." It is just as absurd. The more alcoholics drink, the more they want. The more ragers rage, the more they want to rage.

Compulsion

Anger addiction or "rageaholism" is the compulsive pursuit of a mood change by repeatedly engaging in episodes of rage despite adverse consequences. Rageaholics continue to rage compulsively without regard to the negative consequences. Compulsion or loss of control is the inability to stop expressing anger once we have begun. The inability to control angry words is a certain sign of rageaholism. Loss of control--that is addiction.

Obsession

Rageaholics are frequently preoccupied with resentment and fantasies of revenge. Those thoughts sometimes rise powerfully and allow no other thoughts to enter. The force of anger is sometimes irresistible and followed by action. Therefore, the preoccupation with the "wrongs" of others and revenge continually leads to rage. Progressively, these thoughts crowd out all others until our life becomes chronically revenge-oriented. At that point, anger controls our thoughts.

Denial

Denial keeps anger addicts trapped. It is the mental process by which we conclude that the addiction is not the problem; it's "them." Ignorance of addiction and the inability to examine ourselves, work together to keep rageaholics stuck. Knowing no other way to live, we deny that there is anything wrong with us. This system of denial ensures that the process of rage and righteous indignation will continue. Righteous indignation keeps our focus off of ourselves. This is why ragers seldom are able to say, "I am wrong."

Withdrawal and Craving

As with any addiction, anger has a detoxification period. Craving is high during this time. Those who abstain from name-calling, profanity and yelling during this period report more depression than usual for the first three months. Typically, during the first 90 days of abstinence, ragers feel vulnerable and spend a lot of time thinking and hoping for a situation that will allow us to use violence for some heroic purpose. Afterward, however, if we have achieved complete abstinence and maintained it for 90 days, we find we no longer think in profane or disparaging terms. It may even become shocking when we hear others do it.

Unpredictable Behavior

Another definition of alcoholism is that when an alcoholic drinks, there is no way to predict his or her behavior. He may drink appropriately from time to time, just as the rageaholic may express anger appropriately from time to time. However, when the alcoholic starts to drink alcohol, all bets are off. No one knows what is going to happen. When rageaholics start to express anger, no one knows where it is going to go. The most likely think is that they will explode, rant and rave. Rageaholics would like to learn how to express our anger appropriately just like alcoholics would like to learn how to drink appropriately. While there are some exceptions, I encourage those with rage problems to abstain from the expression of anger for one year.

This plan is only for that small percent of the population who have rage or violence problems. The approach described here is not for everyone; but for those addicted to rage, it won't work to express your anger.

A Recovering Rager's Creed

A rager, or rageaholic, is a person who is addicted to the expression of anger. While many people feel better when they "let it all out" a rageaholic should totally and completely abstain from expressing their anger.

If anger or rage is a problem for you or someone you love, the following creed will help get things moving in a more positive direction. Read this list each morning before beginning your day:

1. I will practice self-restraint as a *top* priority today. (Notice that it does not say, "I will practice standing up for what is right.")

2. I will act *the opposite* of how I feel, when angry. (Notice that it does not say, "I will share how I really feel.")

3. If I feel that my anger is about to erupt, I will *quietly* leave the situation. (Notice that it does not say, "I will stay around and process my feeling.")

4. I will find truth in *all* criticisms directed toward me today, especially from my partner. (Notice that it does not say, "I will explain my point of view.")

5. I will say, "You are right," in a sincere, meaningful way, when I am criticized. (Notice that it does not say, "I will say, 'You are right, but...'")

6. I will give an example of how the person who criticized me is *right*. (Notice that it does not say, "I will point out an exception to their observation.")

7. I will repeat the following sentence to myself today: "I am better off being *wrong* because when I am right, I am dangerous." (Notice that it does not say, "I need to stand up for myself when I am right." That is in the self-help literature for depressed women. Rageful men are not depressed women.)

8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, "I have no idea why I did that...it doesn't make any sense to me either." (Notice that it does not say, "I will make sure she understands *my* point of view." Life can go on without you being understood.

9. I will listen sympathetically to my partner when she tells me about her day. (That means maintaining eye contact and turning the television off...not just on mute.)

10. I will not give unsolicited advice to my wife or children. (That also means not asking questions such as, "Do you know what you should do?" or "Do you want to know why that happened?")

11. I will avoid blaming family members for anything today, especially if it was their fault. (Instead, say things such as, "It's not your fault you ran out of gas. That stupid gas gauge shows there is gas when there isn't!")

12. I will avoid trying to make any family member "understand" anything. (You may find out that they don't want to understand what you think is the moral or the "truth" of some situation.)

13. I will avoid trying to convince my child or spouse that I am being fair. (Enjoy the relief of *not* trying to convince your teenager that you are being fair, and just sympathize with them for having an unfair parent that wants to ruin their lives.)

14. I will look for an opportunity to sincerely praise everyone I live with, especially the cat I don't like. (Yes, every day! Pet the cat and say nice things to it. The children and your wife will know that you have changed...insist that you have come to have warm feelings toward the cat.)

15. I will humbly commit myself to removing my angry behaviors today, as my contribution toward a more peaceful world. (Realize that there is enough anger and grief in the world without you adding to it.)

Put this list on the refrigerator and ask your wife and children to remind you about it. When they do, calmly say, "You are right. I am sorry. I was wrong."

Anger Management Treatment and Options For Help

Maybe you need anger management treatment, or someone you know struggles through controlling their anger issues. There are plenty of options for help, but you must be wiling and open minded to hearing new possibilities. Although anger is a very powerful emotion that can result in negative consequences, help is available if you know where to look. In this article you'll have a decent list of places to refer to in the case of treating your anger.

Anger Management Treatment

1. Self-Help - This is the least expensive and can have the best long term results if you stick with it. Examples of self help include pausing and taking time to analyze a situation after you become angry. Realizing that you have the power to choose your response to something that causes you to become angry is the basis for self help recovery.

2. Therapy - Other than self help techniques, this is probably the most successful option when overcoming anger issues. Although it can be very expensive, it can also be very beneficial having someone you can talk to and share with. One on one with a psychologist is a very good option, but it also takes time to see results.

3. Support Groups - Groups such as Rageaholics Anonymous has helped many people with their anger management treatment. It is highly recommended to be used for maintenance purposes after you are able to get your anger under control. Going to a meeting once or twice a week keeps you accountable to keeping your cool and lets you interact with other people who are in the same situation as you.

4. Hypnosis - As an anger management treatment option, hypnosis can be beneficial, but it is definitely not for everyone. If you are comfortable with having someone go deep within your subconscious mind, you can usually get to the root of your problem. With autosuggestion, it is also possible to plant affirmations and suggestions inside your psyche which will help you to remain calm.

5. Anger Management Books - If you're willing to sit down and treat yourself with a book, this may be a viable option for anger management treatment. You can find books either at a book store, online, or even download e-books that are delivered right to your email inbox. If you're comfortable sitting down and reading, then applying what you learn, this could be good for you.

Hopefully you now have a better start in treating and managing your anger. Some help options are good for others, and not as good depending on who you are and your own unique situation. If you find something that works, great! If not, keep trying until you do. You deserve to have this part of your life under control. Good luck.

Not only does Jeremy enjoy anger free living, but he also likes making his front door look impressive. Visit his latest website over at http://frontdoorhardware.net and learn more about jazzing up your front door with front door hardware.

Controlling Behavior - How Do You Attempt to Control?

Controlling behavior: Behavior intended to control your own feelings,

control how people feel about you and treat you, or control the outcome

of things.

All of us have grown up learning many different ways to control - we

had to as part of our survival.

Perhaps you grew up in a family that used anger and criticism as forms

of control and this became the role modeling for what you do now. Or

you might have been a child who picked up on anger early, had temper

tantrums, and you are still using anger as your primary form of control.

If anger and criticism was used in your family, you might have learned to

respond to it with compliance - being a good girl or boy. You might have

learned to put aside your own feelings and needs and go along with

what others wanted in the hopes of controlling their feelings and actions

toward you. You might use care-taking as your primary form of control.

Or, you might have decided to go in the opposite direction and resist

others' attempts to control you. You might have decided that having

control over not being controlled is what is really important. If you

struggle with procrastination, you might want consider that resistance

has become a major form of control for you.

Perhaps you decided as a child to just withdraw and shut out others'

attempts to control you. You might have also decided to try to control

your own feelings through addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, work,

TV, gambling, spending, and so on.

Finally, you might have decided that avoiding your feelings by staying in

your head instead of your heart is the way to feel safe from pain. The

abandonment of your own feelings - the lack of love for yourself - results

in inner emptiness. Your emptiness becomes like a vacuum on others'

energy, pulling on others to give you the love you need to fill your inner

emptiness.

Most people chose a combination of the above ways of trying to control.

For example, you might be a caretaker in the hopes of getting people to

love and approve of you, and then you might turn to anger when that

doesn't happen. You might find yourself giving in to what people want to

a certain extent, and then retreating or resisting their attempts to control

you. You might find yourself being furious at someone's attempts to

control you, but then giving in anyway to avoid his or her upset with you.

Or perhaps you are a mellow person until you drink, and then you

unleash your rage. Or vice versa - you are nice only when you drink

and you are a rageaholic the rest of the time. Or, on the surface you

might be a nice and giving person, all the while pulling energetically for

others' love, attention, and approval.

All of these behaviors are intended to protect you from some form of

pain - the pain of rejection, of engulfment, of failure. Most people

attempt in numerous ways to have control over getting love, avoiding

pain, and feeling safe.

Yet it is these very behaviors that, as adults, are causing most of our

pain. Anger feels terrible in the body, as does compliance. Being stuck

in procrastination or withdrawal also feels awful, as does the emptiness

of staying in your head instead of your heart. All these behaviors result

in feeling alone inside, because they are all ways to abandon yourself.

Controlling behavior is not loving to yourself or to others.

We've all heard that you can't love others until you love yourself, and

this is very true. Loving yourself means that your focus is on what is truly

in your highest good - what fills your heart with peace and joy and a

deep sense of integrity and self worth. Loving yourself means that you

are asking throughout the day, "What is in my highest good in this

moment?" It is never in your highest good to try to control others or use

them to fill your own emptiness. Nor is it in your highest good to harm

yourself or others in any way.

Try practicing throughout the day asking this question, "What is in my

highest good right now?" Answers will come to you, and then you can

take the loving action. This one shift in your thinking can change your

life!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and ?Healing Your Aloneness.? She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com Phone Sessions Available.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

Seems like whenever women gather these days, the conversation eventually gets around to Where have all the good men gone? By good, we mean men who are honest, intelligent, financially and emotionally stable. Most importantly, we mean men capable of sharing a conscious, emotionally intimate relationship with a similarly inclined woman. Well, OK. So, what's so hard about finding THAT?

Well, for one thing, mental health research tells us that people capable of emotional commitment are most often the products of emotionally healthy parents who were committed to personally meeting the emotional needs of their children.

Our closest cousins, the bonobo apes, do this very well in their little ape way. So well, in fact, that they are one of the most peaceful, emotionally healthy cultures on our planet. Their secret: Bonobo moms stay attached, literally, to their male offspring for years, and bonobo dads stay close to play and protect their kids.

So, you ask, what does all this have to do with you finding a good guy?

Well, quite a bit. Anthropologists have discovered that when a little boy bonobo is separated from his mother before he's ready to let go, his innate peaceful nature suffers an irreversible meltdown. In other words, he becomes rather unsociable. In fact, he's so scary that no little bonobo female will touch him with a ten foot pole...... ever.

If girl bonobos could talk, they'd probably describe him with words like narcissistic, rageaholic, rigid or commitment phobic. Ever notice how these words often show up in the Where have all the good men gone conversation?

Anyway, just like our cousins, human babies are born expecting protection and physical closeness with their parents. And, just like our cousins, when bonding interruptus happens, especially to little boys, things can go terribly wrong.

Over the years, clinicians have observed a very interesting phenomenon. Men with significant relationship difficulties often share similar childhood experiences, mental abilities, and temperaments. These include:

o High average to gifted I.Q.

o Early sensitivity to issues of kindness and justice, i.e. That's not fair!

o Artistic curiosity, appreciation, and abilities (Well, so far this sounds like your perfect match. But, wait, there's one more.)

o Rigid, rejecting, unpredictable fear-based childhood

Oh, so when the stork drops a bright baby boy into the arms of dysfunctional parents, there is a great possibility he'll have love problems later on.

There is one glaring difference between baby boy bonobos and baby boy humans. When a baby boy bonobo can't find his mommy, he takes about a nanosecond to shoot from 0 to 60 on the rage scale. But, the path to pathology for the human male can take years as he journeys from infancy to adulthood through rather predictable stages.

DESPERATION: Infancy through toddler hood.

Every baby has one primary need. Survival. And one surefire way to meet it. Cry. When the distress signal sounds, conscious human parents do what bonobo parents do. They soothe their little one. Thus, baby learns his needs matter, and he can trust his parents to meet them. Love is good.

But, when the very aware baby's survival cries are ignored, he tries harder. If his parents don't get the message, he just screams louder and longer. He doesn't give up easily.

At some point, Mommy or Daddy may punish these tantrums by denying him attention even more than they already do. After all, Junior needs to learn who's in charge in this family! Of course, Junior may be brighter than the average baby, but he still has no way of understanding such concepts as power and control. He just knows how to cry to survive, if he has to. In the process, his little mind fills with fear.

Love is not so good. You can see where this is going.

DISSILUSIONMENT: Toddler hood through early adolescence

Little Einstein still believes he can figure out what he has to do to attract his parents' attention and affection. He tries to become good, or at least good enough to win their approval and ensure his survival. He creates ways to be charming, helpful, or daring. When he attempts a new skill, like riding his tricycle or building the tallest block tower ever, he looks for their approval. When that doesn't work, he falls back on the tantrum approach. It hasn't worked that well for him in the past, but maybe this time.

Eventually, he begins to look past his parents for substitutes who will appreciate him for who he is. Even if he's lucky enough to find a teacher or a coach who sees his potential and value, he still silently questions why he's not good enough to be loved by his own parents. In the process, his young mind fills with fear.

EMERGING PATHOLOGY: Adolescence through teens

Well, he's tried everything he can think of to win his parents' approval, with little or no success. The emptiness from his little boy days recycles into escalating defense mechanisms like rage, depression, and passive aggressiveness. He may try to prove his parents wrong by becoming a top student, athlete, or campus leader. Or, he may try to prove them right by self-sabotaging his grades, health, reputation, and opportunities for the future.

Mostly, he's still looking for love, and dragging all the baggage from his baby days on his quest to find it. Rejected by his parents, he has spent his life focused on himself, trying to be good enough, smart enough, clever enough, fast enough, handsome enough.. None of it has been enough. Oh, did I mention the sudden bubbling up of his raging hormones? For such a kid as this, teenage love weaves a treacherous web of hope and fear like nothing else can. His insecure attempts to appear secure mask his intense fear of being rejected. He is clueless how love reciprocates between partners. He has no such emotional template to draw from. He's just a stranger in a strange land trying to look cool. And, his teenage mind fills with fear.

PATHOLOGY: Adult

He marries. He divorces. He fathers children. He has affairs. He leaves a trail of broken promises. Lost, he's still looking for love, while dragging all the baggage from his baby days on his quest to find it. For such a man, love with a woman weaves a treacherous web of hope and fear like nothing else can. He's still just a stranger in a strange land. His bravado attempts to appear secure mask his intense fear of being rejected. He remains clueless how love reciprocates between partners, having no such emotional template to draw from. Rejected by his parents, girlfriends, lovers, and wives, he spends his life focused on himself, trying to be good enough, smart enough, clever enough, rich enough, handsome enough. Of course, doesn't he know by now that none of it will ever be enough?

So, he rages. So, he deceives. So, he tries too hard. So, he grabs at power and insists on control. So, he blames every woman for the sins of his mother. And, his grown up, closed down mind fills with fear, which pushes him to try, yet again, to hunt down the love that so far eludes him. That's when he comes looking for you on line or in line, anywhere there's a chance to meet single women.

It is no easy task for you to make sense of the nonsense that so often detours your search for that one wonderful man who is truly able to love you. As Ms. Anonymous once said, There are much easier things in life than finding a good man ......like nailing jello to a tree, for instance! And, sisters, if you have had the courage to read to this point, your heart is likely filled with fear, too.........fear that your love life is doomed!

Knowing what you now know, how can you hope to ever find an honest, intelligent, financially and emotionally stable man capable of sharing a conscious emotionally intimate relationship? Surely, all the good men are extinct, or at least on the endangered species list. There are probably more healthy bonobo males than human males!

Time to cue the silver lining onto center stage.

Unlike wounded bonobos, some wounded human males have been known to eventually recognize that all of the negativity of their early lives could not destroy their true goodness. Many have even courageously placed their childhood pain into the hands of a trained, compassionate therapist who can skillfully unravel all the knots, then reweave life anew for these grown up little boy blues.

In a journey I describe as "tender surrender" - rage and rigidity, power and control, fear of survival - surrender to peace. These extraordinary men find the way back to their original sensitivity for kindness, justice and fairness, and are reborn like the mythical Phoenix rising from the ashes of their lives. Their trek back into their most primal pain is rewarded with a rare vulnerability that sets them apart from their still wounded brothers. Now, fully alive and authentic, many rekindle their artistic gifts as a means of self-expression and healing. They all embrace the sensuality of life like a thirsty man finding his oasis.

Identifying such a man as this requires your time, testing and tenacity. Most of all, it requires that you be wary and wise to ensure you find the man your heart truly longs for; the man capable of intimacy. He will be the man with an uncommon ease. He will be the one whom you can trust with your truth and your tears; the one who will keep your soul safe.

Blessings on your way,

Morgan

Relationship expert, consultant, and educator, Morgan Delaney, MS, empowers single women with the real secrets about dating and relationships, based on a decade of research in the fields of developmental psychology, brain-based gender differences, and the fascinating mysteries of the male psyche. To learn more about Ms. Delaney's relationship research, and forthcoming books, visit http://www.SingleSisterhood.com

Anger Management Treatment Options - What Is Available For You?

If you're looking for an anger management treatment but don't know exactly what to go for, you've stumbled upon the right article. Here I'll relate for you the best options you have to learn anger management skills and techniques, and to finally get your excessive rage under control.

Anger Management Treatment Options

1. Therapy - One of the most common treatments is to seek one-on-one therapy with a psychologist. This may indeed provide impressive results but you need to be aware that this is an expensive option as you need to pay per session. This will also take some time to see results.

2. Support groups - Going to Rageaholics Anonymous or a support group like that it is a good idea and I highly recommend it for maintenance purposes after you get your anger under control. To learn to control your anger with a support group might take time and will also require you to expose your personal life in front of other people.

3. Anger management courses - There are some courses for anger management techniques. If you live in a large city there should be one or more nearby. These will cost a little less than therapy and usually take a few weeks to months in order to complete. These can be good. You need to examine each one specifically as the effectiveness of these courses is dependent upon the quality of the organization which administers them.

4. Anger Management Hypnosis - Hypnosis is an excellent option to treat your excessive anger. Hypnosis can bypass the subconscious mind and get into the root of the problem. It can also help you plant suggestions inside your psyche which will help to keep you calm at all times.

5. Anger Management Books - These are some Anger Management books on the market. Some are good, some are useless. There are also digital books which can be found online and these are often surprisingly effective. If you're a person who likes to read and apply what you learn, then a book may be the best option for you.

I hope this article helped to open your eyes to the variety of anger management treatments which are open for you. Don't let this condition take hold of your life. You deserve better. Good luck.

To read tips on how to control your anger, click here: How To Deal With Your Anger. Mike Eltis writes extensively on psychological issues. To read his review of anger management, go to this webpage: Anger Management Treatment Options.

Deep Doghouse Communication for Angry Men

Many times when an angry or rageful man comes into the office to see me for the first visit, he is in a deep crisis. Such was the case with Jerry. He was in the "deep doghouse." He was separated from his wife and she had filed for divorce. A man is in the "deep doghouse" when his wife is very angry and most of the communication is her expressing anger, displeasure and criticism of him.

Although Jerry was deep in the doghouse, he was what I call an eager customer. He was not interested in spending the session explaining to me how he was right and she was wrong. Neither was he particularly interested in exploring his psychological make-up or that of his wife.

Jerry was an engineer with 20 years at a big oil company. Often, therapists complain of engineers because they are slow to get in touch with their feelings. However, engineers are my favorite clients because they put the pressure on me to provide something that works and works quickly. He wanted something to prove to his wife that he was making a dramatic change.

We discussed the importance of abstaining from the 15 behaviors that trigger rageaholics. Jerry said that he would work to control his behavior. He said that he would not be in this predicament if he had been abstaining from these behaviors all along, especially profanity.

The next week he said that things were no worse with his wife and he had not lost his temper. I complimented Jerry on his good work. He had done a great job of not exploding, even when his wife was cursing him and calling him names. Jerry went to great lengths to stop his profanity, name- calling, mocking and threatening, and he even kept a quiet voice.

When I asked him what he wanted to get out of the next session, he said, "I want to learn how to stop arguing with her, if that is possible." He said that they kept having very long arguments that went on for hours on the phone. I told Jerry that there were three words that would stop any argument: You are right.

These words will stop an argument because in order to have an argument, there has to be a disagreement. Without a disagreement, it is impossible to have an argument. Now these words go against some of our training as men. What we men have learned is how to hang on to being right. I was told that I should never give up when I was right. I was taught to stick to what I believed. And this idea of sticking with what you believe, never stopping, hanging on to being right, may be useful in many areas of your life, but I think you probably have found that it is not useful in your marriage.

The truth of the matter is, no matter what anyone says, you can usually find some smidgen of truth in it. You can acknowledge they are right in some way.

"You are right" does not mean you agree to change anything. I say this over and over again--and it is hard for most ragers to comprehend. Someone telling me that I am selfish, self-centered and egotistical is not a request for a behavioral change. These are universal, human frailties. I make no commitment to change any behavior when I agree with my wife that I am selfish, self-centered and egotistical. It is not the time to argue when you are deep in the doghouse and your wife is ranting and raving at you.

When deep in the doghouse, you should not explain your behavior, not defend your behavior and certainly not counterattack. Deep doghouse communication is about receiving the message and validating her point of view. It is about receiving, not sending. Arguments get started when you try to send back when she is still sending. If you say, "Well, you haven't always been around here either--How about the two weeks you went to visit your mother?" that is gasoline on the fire.

Many of you may be thinking, "But what if she isn't right? Am I supposed to lie?" I suggest that you:

Say the phrase, "You are right."


Find some truth in what she is saying and agree with it.


Get your "but" out of the way. Don't say, "You are right, but..."

You can state your opinion when you get out of the doghouse.